How to Lose Friends and Make Enemies
Over the past few years an epidemic of rudeness has swept America. Here’s how to perpetuate the disease.
1) Ignore people. Don’t return phone calls. Never answer the phone. Don’t listen when people talk to you. Talk on your cell phone when with others, especially in restaurants or other public places. Don’t acknowledge that others exist. The greatest insult that you can give someone is to ignore the person. If you excel at this skill you can skip the next four paragraphs.
2) Show disrespect. Make fun of others. Assign stupid nicknames or deliberately mispronounce names. Make people wait for you. Laugh at other people’s mistakes, struggles, and fears. Use sarcasm and cynicism freely. Treat people like idiots. Disrespect is powerful because it strips people of their dignity.
3) Criticize. Find fault in everything. Spread gossip. Complain about anything and everything. Remind people about mistakes they made, even if decades ago. If possible, embellish your complaints with exaggerated descriptions of failure. Keep a written log of faults, flaws, and fumbles so you can grind on them daily. Develop a whining tone to your voice. Critics reduce everything to dirt.
4) Be negative. Master pessimism. Attack every change or new idea. Always focus on failure. Expect the worst to happen. Never accept or approve anything. Refuse to participate or cooperate in any endeavor. If something appears to work despite your efforts, cause delays so you can prepare fresh arguments against it. Aggressive gloom creates perpetual hopelessness.
5) Get mad. Throw tantrums. Scream. Yell. Shout. Slam doors. Hit walls. Throw things. Act violent. Use accusations, insults, and threats to disrupt conversations. Tolerate nothing. Insist on retribution. Always attack first. Blame your anger on others. Unpredictable, insane behavior keeps other people off balance.
Caution: Application of these tactics guarantees that the need for attorneys will increase.
How to Make Friends and Avoid Enemies
Over the past few years an epidemic of rudeness has swept America. Here’s how to stop the disease.
1) Acknowledge people. Answer the phone. Return phone calls. Listen carefully when people talk to you. Be an active participant in conversations. Never use your cell phone when with others, especially in restaurants or other public places. Remember: acknowledgment satisfies a basic human need.
2) Show respect. Use people’s names when talking to them. Never invent nicknames or make fun of people’s names. Be on time. Treat people as if they were smarter than you. Let others speak first. Remember: respect is powerful because it gives people dignity.
3) Compliment. Seek the good in everything. Avoid gossip and people who gossip. Remind people about successes they had, even if decades ago. Focus on what works and what went well. Remember: warmth, attracts people.
4) Be positive. Master optimism. Accept change and new ideas. Always focus on success. Expect the best to happen. Think in terms of the future and how you can make it better. Use positive (or at least neutral) words. Remember: leaders sell hope.
5) Be mature. Manage your emotions. Speak softly. Seek solutions. Let other people do well. Let people tell you things that you know. Let other people win. Share information. Remember: mature behavior creates trust.